This Part of Me
by Quiet Escapist
Summary: (One-shot) On the night of the new moon, Inuyasha struggles with his human emotions. Rated for Inu's cussing.


A/N So this is my first Inuyasha fic, yay for me! It's also the first thing I've written in a year that's longer than a paragraph, so I'm still trying to get into the swing of things. Reviews are nice, please do. Constructive critism is also good, so please tell me what you like, what you don't like, where I can improve, etc. Thanks for reading my story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, nor do I claim to.

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I shifted again trying to make myself more comfortable, but the wall felt unforgiving tonight. It's the same wall I always sleep against when we stayed at the old hag's; it's only different because of the new moon. I let out a grunt as I moved against the wall once last time before giving up.   
  
It didn't matter though; it's not like I was going to get much fucking sleep anyhow.   
  
The space around me is black and shapeless. I feel alone because I can't smell any of them near me, even though I know she's sleeping only a few feet away from me. If I strain my ears I can hear the others sleeping lightly, the combined sounds of their breathing filling the small hut.   
  
At sunset they offered for each of them to take turns staying awake as a guard. For 'just in case'. Feeling a little more than slightly annoyed at their suggestion, I told them to shut the fuck up and go to sleep.   
  
I hate being human.  
  
I hate being weak and I hate feeling vulnerable. I can't stand it when I have to depend on others to protect me. It's fucking annoying when I lose my heightened senses because I feel like I'm blind. But more than that, I hate being human because it reminds me of her. This is how I would have been every single day for the rest of my life, if things had been different...   
  
It's because of that incident that my mind races once a month. When the sun sets I suddenly get thrown into a world where I can't base my decisions on instinct anymore, where I have to think everything through and try to determine the outcome before I even begin to act. It's worse when it's calm though. When there's no danger. I don't have to worry about keeping the others and myself alive so my mind turns to other things to contemplate on. Like who I was and who I am now. What she has become, and if she really loved me. Did I love her as well? Why can't that stupid pervert ever manage to keep his hands to himself? And who is she and why does she make me feel like...?  
  
Sometimes the thoughts enter and leave my head so quickly that I feel like my head is going to explode. And when the headache comes in the middle of the night, I can't help but remind myself that it won't last forever. That these disabling nights will come to an end once I get my hands on the jewel. Then I could be rid of all these stupid human emotions...   
  
A soft breeze sneaked through the flap on the front door and teased my hair bringing my attention back to the present moment. I watched it bristle slightly then come to a rest again as the wind continued its path though the darkness.   
  
I want to go out, but I know I shouldn't because if one of them woke up they'd be pissed...  
  
Wait, since when do I fucking care what they think?  
  
I got up as quietly as possible before lightly making my way to the door. I paused before pushing the thin straw mat out of the way to double check that everyone was still asleep. Satisfied with the sounds of deep breathing from inside, I left the hut and made myself comfortable on the porch step. The flame from the front porch lamp flickered as the wind danced through the inky black sky. It felt nice to have the cool breeze blow against my face.  
  
I don't know how long I sat there. The way the shadows cast from the flame shifted over rocks and trees mesmerized me. Sounds of animal and insect nightlife started to blend together into a droning hum. Small gusts of wind shifted their way in and out of the treetops, making the leaves rustle to a song only they knew. Nature surrounded me and I felt the anxiousness that was previously coursing through my body start to disappear.   
  
From behind I heard a light flapping of the mat and I knew it was her. I'm not even sure how I knew...I just did. I felt her standing behind me for a moment or two but she didn't say anything. She was hesitating. Maybe she just wanted me to acknowledge her presence, or maybe she wanted me to feel guilty about leaving the confines of the hut. Whatever it was, I didn't give in to her. I kept my focus on the space ahead of me.  
  
"Inuyasha!" she finally hissed in my ear. "You're supposed to be inside, what if someone saw you?"   
  
"Leave me alone, wench. I just needed some air."   
  
It irritated me that she felt the need to scold me. Scold me like a dog, even though I'm without the ears tonight.   
  
She sat down beside me and looked ahead into the darkness trying to place the objects she saw in the daylight together with the shadows she saw now. I felt the familiar tight knot of anger begin to form in my chest when I realized that she was going to continue to intrude on my time alone. I quickly stole a glance out of the corner of my eye to see about a foot of space between us. Though I was pissed off that she didn't choose to sit farther away so I could have my space, a small voice at the back of my head began taunting me to close the space between us. I quickly pushed the thought away and willed myself to forget she was there. It was a few minutes before she spoke again.  
  
"You must be claustrophobic."  
  
"Claustro-what?" I said, ready to counter her insult...if it was an insult.  
  
"It means you don't like small spaces. They make you feel trapped so you feel more comfortable in open spaces, like outside."  
  
"Oh." So was that good or bad?  
  
She shivered involuntarily beside me as the wind became stronger and cooler. I took off my haori and wrapped it over her bare legs. She looked a little surprised for a second, but then she turned to me and smiled sweetly making me forget why I had been upset with her earlier.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Keh."  
  
"Won't you be cold?"   
  
As if on cue, a cold gust of air brushed past my cheek and down the back of my neck sending a shiver down my spine.  
  
"No," I lied. "Why don't you wear something other than that stupid 'skirt' thing of yours? It's going to be winter soon, you know."  
  
She made a sound of acknowledgement but said nothing else as she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them, and lifted her eyes upward.  
  
"The stars are so bright tonight. Aren't the beautiful?"  
  
"Keh," I said again, not really knowing what else to say.  
  
I leaned back a little and casually watched her face as she continued to look upwards. Her eyes seemed to brighten as she scanned the night sky while the torch on the front porch added glimmers of light to her soft brown orbs. The flickering flames illuminated her soft, pale skin and added halo-like shines to her tousled hair. My eyes followed the outline of shadows that started just above her eyes, followed the shape of her nose, then flowed down contouring the curve of her lips.   
  
Her lips...  
  
I felt my stomach drop suddenly as my thoughts changed from mere observation to wondering what her lips tasted like.  
  
Wait, her lips were shaking?   
  
I refocused on her lips and noticed her teeth were chattering. I was about to tell her to get inside if she was so damn cold, but I bit my tongue before I could make a sound.   
  
I didn't really want her to leave.   
  
We weren't talking but I wanted her to stay, just to be near me. And I didn't want her to get up on her own accord. No, I needed her to stay with me.   
  
I leaned over and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her to my side. She inhaled sharply and went stiff but I ignored it as I pressed her closer to my side.   
  
"Next time you come back from your time you better being wearing something that covers your legs. I can't have you freezing your ass off and slowing us down when we're searching for shards. "  
  
She nodded her head while looking away from me, hoping I wouldn't notice the conflicted look in her eyes.   
  
It was a minute or two before she began to relax and fully lean into me. She shifted to get as close to me as she could while she rested her head on my shoulder, and as a soft sigh escaped her lips I felt a heat begin to spread across my cheeks.  
  
Only Kagome could make me feel like this. Completely irritated with her one minute and never wanting to leave her side the next. It shocks me that the bitch is able to toy with my emotions so fucking easily. With her around I can't even control my damn human emotions.   
  
It wasn't this way with Kikyo. I was in control then.  
  
I didn't get jealous. I didn't worry. I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel insecure and I didn't fucking blush. Granted, Kikyo never saw me as a human, when the emotions feel stronger. But even so, Kagome manages to get me to blush even when I'm a hanyou.   
  
It's funny, now that I think about it, Kikyo never saw me as the one thing she wanted me to be.   
  
...  
  
Dammit! What kind of guy blushes?!  
  
I noticed that the horizon was beginning to lighten, so I gave Kagome a little nudge but she didn't respond.   
  
"Kagome, it's almost sunrise."  
  
When she didn't respond to that either I brushed the thick veil of bangs out of her face so I could get a better look at her face. Her eyes were closed, the long lashes fanning her cheeks while the faint hint of a smile lingered on her lips. She had fallen asleep. I ran my hand through her raven hair and waited to she if she noticed before doing it again and getting lost in the relaxing movement.   
  
Looking up again I saw the sun was just about ready to come up over the mountain, the rays beaming out from behind the mountain's peaks. I gathered Kagome to my chest as gently as possible and carried her back inside. After placing her on her sleeping bag, Shippou, sensing she was back, cuddled into her stomach and continued to sleep. I brushed a silky lock of her hair off her cheek before settling myself back at my spot against the wall. My mind began to whir again as I tried to relax.  
  
Kagome told me before that she doesn't want me to change. For some reason that makes my heart feel lighter, even though I'm looking forward to day that I get my hands on the jewel.  
  
And as I sat waiting for the morning sunlight to hit the small hut, I couldn't help but wonder if Kagome's feelings towards me would change once I became a full youkai and got rid of the human part of me. Would my youkai blood change the way I see her?   
  
Oh gods, here comes the fucking headache.


End file.
